This past week has been pretty difficult for me. I have been getting anxious and restless as I've been at a loss with how to fill my time while still unemployed. And whenever I am in that place, it leads to a lot of anxiety and desperation over what I am supposed to do with my life - what my calling and destiny is and how I'm going to get there. I suppose the anxiety is a result of trying to figure out those things for myself, when I'm not supposed to - and when doing so is impossible anyway! The thing is, I'm much clearer on what God's destiny/calling is for me, these days - ever since I've been free from my marriage and back where I am supposed to be, which is in Colorado. Perhaps that made this week even more frustrating. I guess the way my mind was really working was, "Ok, we've got the calling part figured out - now what do I need to be doing?!"
The relief from that came as I was journaling today, to God - half of my prayers are journaled, half of them are prayed in my head or out loud. I just started listing everything that was causing me anxiety, everything that was unresolved in my mind - how I was going to get from point A to point B, whether or not God is going to allow certain things to happen and other such things. And I looked at that list and I realized there was nothing I could do about any of it! There was nothing I could do to generate the answers or solutions to any of my questions. They are pretty much all things that I just need to leave to the Lord and "wait and see!" And you know what? Weirdly enough, that gave me such relief!!! It was such a relief to see that I wasn't missing anything - that there wasn't anything I was supposed to be doing right now that I wasn't, and that the only thing I can be doing right now is waiting and praying. God is in the midst of answering these questions and burdens of mine, and He's also in the midst of working out the details of several of the things that I am looking for answers regarding that are or would be taking place now or in the near future.
One of the things that was causing me anxiety, ironically, is KNOWING that this is a season of waiting and just seeking the Lord but not wanting to screw it up! Not wanting to screw it up by not seeking his face enough, or not finding the lessons that He has for me, or hearing what He wants to say to me... all I want to do is just sit in His presence so I don't miss anything! haha :) And even though I have been spending a lot of time with Him, I've still been badgering myself that it hasn't been enough....I think I need to ease up on myself juuuust a little bit.... badgering yourself TOO much is not so healthy.
I've also been realizing over the past I don't know how many weeks or so that I have an argumentative spirit within me that has been wanting to fight against positive spiritual things... like correct heart attitudes, positive outcomes to difficult situations, and close friends feeling confirmation of God's calling. And I am just left thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?!" I love God, I love my friends. I am seeking after the Lord with all my heart. I want to spend my life serving the Lord in ministry. I want with all my heart to become a beautiful, holy woman of God. I have been asking God to show me where from within me this is coming from, but so far I have nothing. But it troubles me, it burdens me. I certainly don't want to be that way! How can a woman after God's heart be so opposed to the things the Lord is doing? It quite confounds me at the moment... but I will seek the Lord for understanding and healing until it comes, because that is not ok to let continue without uprooting.
And finally this week, God has dealt with me on saying goodbye to someone who should not have been allowed to be in my life up to this point... I hadn't wanted this person there past a certain point, and that point was almost two months ago. This week I had just reached my breaking point, and the Lord was clear that I needed to let this person go, even though it wasn't going to be easy. My heart and the Lord's were in agreement, but I had fought the Lord a little bit on doing what needed to be done myself versus wanting the Lord to do it for me. Sometimes that just isn't an option! But today that was done, and that has also brought relief. That was the last piece of my past that needed to be let go, and I'm rejoicing that it's done now. My past does not belong in my life now that I have fully given it to the Lord. Rejoice!
And so that has been my week this past week, and it was hard. I didn't even want to write a blog post this week prior to today! I was struggling with how to turn all of those inner conflicts into a post that had some rhyme and reason or ended nicely! haha! That's why this post is calling "Digging up Weeds"... God is in the process of digging up some weeds in my life. Some were dug up this week, some are still in the process... but God is faithful and will uproot them all, so that only His glory and light will shine through me, as is my prayer and the desire of my heart. My desperate cry is, "Lord, use me!!" .... and He will... because God is faithful. And I believe that whenever we pray something in accordance with His will, He answers, always. And I know He wants to use me!
I love you all. Thanks for reading :)