Monday, February 22, 2010

When I Say I Do

Writing means a lot to me. I have been writing as a hobby since I was about 6 years old. I really care about my writing ministering to people. Actually, I care about my everything ministering to people, these days. But that's not really the point :)

The point is that the trials and recovery that I have experienced and am currently experiencing through my marriage and the dissolution of my marriage are something that I want to write about in the hopes that God will use my writing to minister to someone. I don't want to let them pass by me without chronicling them and writing about them. Because I think there is beauty in writing about the human experience, and I think there is beauty in writing about the depths of one's raw feelings. I truly believe that there is beauty in pain. And I see it all the time. Most recently, I see it in the story of Steven Curtis Chapman, and his family - who lost the youngest member of their family, a little girl, in a tragic accident. In the story of Kevin Pierce - an Olympic bound athlete with huge potential and high expectations of success for him... who suffered a tragic head injury and will probably never compete again, but who is smiling as he determines to learn how to fully walk and speak again.

During the first two weeks that I have been living on my own again, the emotion I felt was mostly comprised of soaring joy and gratefulness. At how God graciously rescued me and placed me in the arms of more love from His family than I could ever hope for. At being back in the center of everything He wants for me, all of the blessings He has for me and has already bestowed upon me far past my expectations. But as I have learned of more of my husband's transgressions, my heart has begun to experience the pain of deceit and tasted the bitterness. I'm coming into a phase of being so filled with the pain of everything that I can't even bear to think of his name. I push the thoughts of him and the transgressions out of my mind. I don't want to think about them. And yet I remain composed when I have to communicate with him.

I am still filled with the gratefulness and joy. But I know that this pain is going to be a long process of healing.

There is something that draws me to pain... not in a masochistic way or a sadistic way. But in the way of knowing that it is not something to be shunned and run away from. Because the deepest pain in this life is also often the sources of the greatest beauty. Just like Jesus on the cross. His death sparks uncontrollable emotion in the people who love him. Watching it simply recreated in a movie is too hard to watch without covering my eyes. It is so grievous, just horrible. But there is BEAUTY in it, because he's dying for our SIN. He's saving our lives... saving us from the reality of having to endure the pain of this human life without him, because if he never died, we wouldn't have that gift. It is through HIM that we have a relationship with our Father in Heaven, and without our Father in Heaven, there's no way we would make it through the pain we have to go through down here.

So there is beauty in pain... but only because the most profound example of that is within Jesus Christ and the story of Redemption.

The title of this post is a song by Matthew West called "When I Say I Do." It was written for a couple who entered a contest through KLOVE, a national Christian radio station. They too, have experienced deep beauty through pain. And it reaffirms my spirit within me saying, "I DO still believe in deep, beautiful, abiding love between a man and a woman." Only time will tell... but even as I experience this pain, my spirit says within me, "Maybe I will have that someday."

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Girl's Night!

A super fun evening with some super awesome ladies, involving escapades at Rio Grande and The Movie Tavern :) Thanks for the fun night, ladies! Let's do it again sometime!

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Monday, February 15, 2010

To Sum It All In Words...

It's been a while since I wrote my last post, and I've known that my heart needed me to write another one. I've had so much happen in these past two weeks. They have been full and happy, but also a roller coaster that I've somehow managed to stay on without going crazy...which is kind of shocking to me, really.

The past two weeks have included:

- becoming immediately bonded with my sister Laura and effortlessly resuming my close sisterhood with Lonni.
- Jumping feet first into a close-knit church family and adopting them as my own (and vice versa).
- Having two interviews for a job that I so very much wanted, and then got (praise Jesus)
- Considering and preparing my heart for the task of patiently waiting for God to do a work in my husband (instead of divorcing him)
- Making new friends
- Reuniting with old ones
- Serving my sisters and church family
- Closing the door on a romantic relationship with another pursuer
- Getting in a big fight with my biological sister, which has left us not speaking (my choice)
- Going through multiple ordeals with my future ex-husband - him buying a Mercedes without telling me, going to a strip club, and then God's clear answer that I am actually Biblically free to divorce him - finding out he cheated on me by soliciting women for sex on Criagslist - followed by him jeopardizing me by emptying our joint bank account and then lying about it, and finally, denying the cheating. Of course.
- welcoming a romantic pursuer of my sister Laura into the mix
- two Valentine's day parties
- Girl's night
- Sister celebration breakfast
- Officially being nicknamed "Aunt Sara" for the first time ever :)
- Losing the key to my car and having to have my car towed and sitting at the dealership for 4 days.

Seriously, I don't even know how I stayed afloat in the midst of all that, lol. All I know is that the good outweighed the bad, and my relationship with God has just continued to grow exponentially stronger and closer in the midst of it all, and that's gotta be what kept me from stressing out the max and breaking down. I had constant Godly support.

I don't even feel like I can process all of this like I usually do! It just makes my head spin and makes me tired.

All I know is that right now, I don't want to change a thing about where I am. I want to relish every minute with my sisters, church family, and Jesus, and continue growing closer to them. I want to stabilize. And it's going to be a long, long time before I'm ready for a romantic relationship.

And that's all I have for now.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A New Season

I've arrived!!!! Home SWEET home. My heart is overflowing with gratefulness at how good God has been to me. He answered my prayers for salvation from a bad situation and now has blessed me with the kind of love and support I have yearned and prayed for in the past. Two prayers answered, and beyond my expectations. ACTUALLY, three. I have walked right into the warmth of a close church family that I know will bless me in more ways than I can imagine and also be a vehicle for me to bless others the way I have been dying to do lately. Four, because I will be finally starting pre-requisites to get into a nursing program soon. In the very first church I ever went to, the one in which I was saved, the pastor would always say, "God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good!"

This is a new season in my life. First (thanks to divine inspiration sent through Mr. J. Carroll), this is going to be a season of listening and waiting. What better option could there be, for where I am? I have much heartbreak that has been residing in my heart for far too long, and I have a major life decision/hard task to contemplate. Listening to all that God has to say and just letting him minister to me is EXACTLY what I need. I can't believe I haven't spent the past 14 years of my life (since I've been saved) doing it! How much I've missed out on, and how many mistakes I could have avoided.

Secondly, this is a season of serving. I have wanted to spend my life helping people since I was a child, and I have tried in my meager ways to do so, but I have the greatest insatiable desire to just spend my time SERVING. And now, knowing that I am walking into such a wonderful church family, I know I will have many opportunities to do that, and I'm so eager, excited, and grateful. I know a few ways that I will be serving through my own talents and abilities, but I can't wait to discover more and just eat up every opportunity that God gives me.

Thirdly, this is a season of living life to the fullest! I have a new zest and zeal for finally taking the initiative to seek out new life experiences and going on awesome adventures. All of my CO friends are going to have to put up with me organizing trips to go do crazy fun things such as cliff diving, white water rafting, sky diving, horseback riding, camping... and who knows what else! I can't wait... I'm going to begin planning the first trip asap! In addition to doing fun adventurous stuff, I'm going to finally be taking up some of my "all the time" resolutions with new zeal - thanks to my roommates! Lonni will teach me guitar and Laura will be my personal trainer :) How did I luck out so good!!

Overall, I am so so so thankful and so grateful for what this season is promising to bring. It's everything I've been desperately needing for the past 9 months to nourish my soul.

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!