Thursday, April 1, 2010

Love and Hate

I don't like the period of absorbing the conquences for your mistakes.

I don't like reality sometimes. I don't like it when you wish something was meant to be, but God tells you it's not. I know He has his reasons, His reasons are perfect, His will for you is best, and when you obey it, you will ultimately find more peace and joy you could have ever found or made for yourself. But accepting that something you desire to be right is not is very hard. Which has led me to be a repeat offender of some of the mistakes I had previously made... but not this time. Because once and for all I have recognized my patterns, and I am confident that with God's faithful help, they will be brought to an end.

I hate hurting someone's feelings through my mistakes. I hate hurting people I care about.

I hate that sometimes, when you know you're doing the right thing, someone else might not agree or maybe just can't see it, and therefore they still hurt or hurt worse, even though you deeply wish to take that pain away and regret causing it in the first place.

I hate it when other people don't have any confidence or faith in your decisions, don't trust you. Just think you're doing something wrong, even though you know you're doing something right. It kind of hurts, because it feels like they don't have faith in me period, because I'm not doing what that person thinks I should. I don't like the pain of having to live with that, because there's really nothing you can do to change their mind. But I hate the fact that that scenario exists really only because you made the mistake in the first place and hurt them pretty badly.

But I love knowing that I am doing the Lord's will. I love the peace that obeying the Lord's will brings. I love the comfort and joy the future brings, the hope that is promised by obedience, the blessings that are promised in obedience. I love knowing that even though I'm experiencing some pain, I will be blessed with joy in the future that far exceeds my expectations. I love that God's joy is better than anything else on this earth. I love that God's wisdom is greater than my own, and God's plans better than anything I could ever plan. I love knowing that even when you have messed up so badly that you think you can never recover, be successful, be blessed, or be happy, you are never without hope - God's arms ALWAYS welcome you back, and I love that with repentance, God is always quick to forgive and restore you to full and true life.

I just love GOD. And I love the life that God gives... I love that He was gracious enough to bless us with it, and I love that heaven's going to be unequivocally better. I love that He loves me, and loves me no matter what. I love that He welcomes me back no matter how big my mistakes, how often, how repetitive - every time. I love that with God, I'll never be alone. I'll never be without hope. I'll never be without what I need. I'll never be unloved.

When I was a child and teen going through my bleakest years of life - years filled with so much darkness and pain, I thought I would never see the end - God was my only source of hope, and I clung to him with every breath. And always, in the quiet times, in the night or in my despair - He would ALWAYS whisper to me, "It's going to be ok."

It's ALWAYS going to be ok.

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