Off My Blogging Game!

I have been off my blogging game this week my friends! And after I had made myself so proud by updating almost every day. This week has been kind of a whirlwind. I feel like I've been off my game with everything this week.

On Monday, I had my 90 day review at work. The main problem with my job thusfar has been that I have not had enough to do. Now, I like my downtime at work. Wrong as it may be, I like having the opportunity to accomplish things on my own agenda. I just don't like entire days of nothing to do. As fate would have it, the minute the problem was finally aired into the open, I have had to scrap for downtime. Which, in terms of my job satisfaction, is great. In terms of my life organization, it's terrible!

Top that off with the health struggles I have been having these past few weeks and I feel even more disorganized and not "on top of my life." My health problems have given me daily headaches (whether I'm trying to eat healthy or not), and they have also caused me to sleep in more - meaning my schedule is off, I'm missing my quiet times...

Needless to say, I don't enjoy feeling like I'm not "on top of my life." I'm sure the spiritual lesson, now that I think about it, is that I should let God be on top of my life instead of me having to work so hard to do so.

The other way that this has been affecting me spiritually is that I've been crying out to God for relief from these health struggles, but the reality is that A) I don't know what it is that is bothering me and will not until I do the LEAP test (food allergies and sensitivities) that my roomie specializes in, and B) I need to make big lifestyle changes in the way that I eat if I want to see changes in the way that I feel. And, at 26 years of life, that is very hard because those habits are engrained in me. I eat everything I see that I want. I have no self-restraint. I have been a sugar addict since I was a child. And I'm an emotional eater. When I'm upset, I go for comfort food - which, coincidentally, usually involves sweets.

I told my roomie the other day that I almost went on a Facebook rant about how skinny people have food problems too, so "don't judge us." And it's true. I have had my skinny size commented on my entire life, and it is no less as uncomfortable as having one's obesity commented on. People don't seem to understand that though. They seem to think it doesn't affect us because we are blessed with the gift of slimness. Well, let me state for the record, that is just not true. I have often made note of this to people I trust after having my weight commented on, but it comes to light for me even more now as I struggle with legitimate food and diet related health issues. Skinnyness does not preclude a person from struggling with food.

My food struggles are far from over, but I hope they start to improve soon. I am praying and hoping that I can do the LEAP test as soon as possible and start to get things under control. Then hopefully the headaches, fatigues, and nausea will stop, and I will be able to return to my normal routine.

This is a blessing in the long run. I have long wanted to give up my unhealthy habits... this is just God saying, "It's time."

If you think of me, please pray for me.

Life is not all dandelions and roses, but I am still immensely blessed. It's the trials in life that draw us near to God, keep us humble, and transform us into the people we were meant to be for His glory. I think I'd rather be humbled than spoiled.

Health - You Don't Really Think About It Until You Don't Have It

This year has brought a few really frustrating health issues for me. I'm usually a pretty healthy person, so, now that I think about just how many issues have affected me for more than one week, or somethings more than a month this year, I feel a little stumped. They have really brought me down emotionally. Feeling bad days in a row can really affect you!

 

First, I struggled with dizzyness for two months. It debilitated me to the point that I needed to lie down at least twice during the middle of the day. Conveniently, I was unemployed during most of that time and had the luxury of being able to do so. By the time I finally had a doctor's appointment with a specialist, it had ended, but it was one of the most frustrating health issues I've ever faced.

 

Earlier this fall, I struggled with chronic fatigue for at least a month. I was thrilled when I finally found the cause and eliminated it, only to now be struggling with headaches almost daily and a little more fatigue.

 

All this to say that I feel terrible for the multiple obligations and activities these issues have caused me to miss. We clearly don't truly appreciate our health until we don't have it at 100% for days on end! These struggles have definitely had me crying out to God quite a lot. I'm just holding on and trusting that He will reveal the cause and bring relief in His perfect timing.

 

Don't take your health for granted, ya'll! If you know there are changes you can and should make to be healthier, I encourage you to make them now, instead of later. We are never promised tomorrow - tomorrow may be too late.

To Everything There Is A Season

"To everything, turn, turn, turn."
~ I think it's the beatles, but I have no idea =p

Since my separation, I have been living in pure bliss. Yes, there have been rough times. There have been nightmares about the ex, times of being so broke I couldn't afford food, job hunts, working through issues of living with (beautiful) roommates... it hasn't been perfect, per say. But to me, it's been the happiest time of my life. I have NEVER been happier. I've had miracles happen and dreams come true. I've been given a second chance at the life I've dreamed of. I've made progress on pursuing my career dreams. I've had amazing experiences, I've served in ministry, I've made a boat load of new, wonderful friends... really, I couldn't ask for anything more. Well, ok, I have a wishlist, but it's in progress, and many of those things I could technically live without :)

The point is - I've been HAPPY.

And while I've been living in this bliss, I've thought a lot about how I never want it to end. When you're happy, blissfully happy - especially after a season of deep pain - you give in to all of those niave "Why does there have to be pain and hard times?" thoughts. I've definitely succumbed.

And then this week, I was given a life-changing announcement. One that interrupts my happily unwedded bliss. It's not definite yet... but the implications and possibilities have already hit my heart somewhat hard. These changes will have an emotional toll, but it will also have a financial toll, a stress toll... and I've been freaking out more, I realize now, than I should be.

Because if these changes happen, it will be because they are God's will, not just the person's will. And therefore, I can trust him with the consequences that might have some effects on my own life that I don't like very much at the time. I am having to remind myself that God is in control. That, if this is His will for this person's life, it is His will for MY life too - and He will take care of the consequences. And finally, that all things work together for the good of those that love Him.

I've thought a lot about suffering since I've been back in CO. Actually, moreso just these past few months. Mostly, because I after having gone through much, I was petrified of the thought of going through more (knowing it is inevitable), and was hoping to push it as far away as possible, ward it off. I thought about the two different kinds of suffering - the kind that you inflict on yourself through sin, and the kind that God allows to happen to you through no fault of your own. When the suffering you experience is the latter kind, you can trust God's intentions and trust Him to bring you through it no matter what. You can trust Romans 8:28. When it's the first kind, you need to repent before that is true.

This kind of (possible) change, and any sadness or stress or pain it might cause me, is the latter kind. So I've had to remind myself that I can trust God.

The phrase that God has always whispered in the bad times that I haven't been able to control (the latter kind of suffering or after repentance for the first kind), knowing when I've needed comfort is, "It will be o.k."

And He still whispers that to me now.

Love and War, Part 5: Agreements and Lies

"Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."
~ Warren Barfield

John and Stasi Eldredge would wholeheartedly agree with that statment. Although, I'm not sure they'd say it's not a fight: Based on the sound of chapter 5, they make it sound like love is one hell of fight. Excuse my double hockey sticks.

They officially start the discourse on all the ways the devil attacks marriages - but not before letting us know that most Christians are still niave to the fact that our marraiges are constantly under attack. If we're not living in defense mode with our spiritual armor on, we're going to fall for the "boobie traps" as they call them.

It starts with our thoughts, and the agreements we make with the thoughts that the devil feeds us. They told the story of a man getting into his car to leave for work and how even giving into the thought "She is such a nag," was an open doorway into the boobie trap. Giving into those thoughts create cracks, and the cracks create deep fissures.

But they went on to say that the devil doesn't just stop there and reminded us that he comes to "Kill, steal, and destroy." They told stories of a woman who had nightmares everytime her husband wanted to be intimate, and A woman who got a mysterious illness the doctors couldn't figure out everytime her husband traveled.

The summary: we have an enemy, and it is essential to stand against him, unified, if we want to see our marriages survive.

Their recommendation for a happy marriage was this: 1) Each person have a living relationship with the living God. 2) Each person deal with their own personal issues. 3) Stand continuously unified against the attacks of the Enemy. They guaranteed that doing these three things alone would make our marriage a freeing and joyous experience and relationship.

I believe them.

On another note, It made me think about the agreements I myself have made with the devil through my divorce experience. John said he had made the agreement that "it was just too hard." I confess, I've made the same agreement this past year. I agreed that being single is just plain easier. I get to do things my way, all the time, and have no one permanently disturb that. I made the agreement that marriage isn't worth it. That I'm better off alone. That it's only going to hurt me. That a man is only going to hurt me. I made an agreement many years ago that because I hadn't maintained my purity, I am "tainted." I agreed that divorce only made me more tainted. I made the agreement that any man who wants my heart is going to have to climb Mt. Everest to get it. I made an agreement against romantic love.

Those kind of suck, right? lol. I'm really guaranteeing myself some miserable loneliness if I stick to those, lol. Truth is, deep down, I know I want love - a Godly husband and a family. So I will wholeheartedly renounce those agreements. I'm just not ready for love QUITE yet. But I'm thankful for having those agreements pointed out... I really wouldn't want to live with those my whole life!

What agreements have YOU made about love?

Love and War - Part 4

It's been a few days since I've continued the "Love and War" series, for a few different reasons. First, I need a mental break. Practically every paragraph or page of the book is chock full of valuable information, and it's hard to wrap my mind around even just 45 minutes of it enough to produce a blog. Also, because I wanted to break to write about some other issues I was thinking about.

However, we are back to Love and War today! Today I finished up chapter 4 and moved on to chapter 5. The main theme was basically "How we can avoid screwing up our marriage by taking care of our personal needs elsewhere," lol.

They said the greatest gift we can give to our spouse is to have a real relationship with God. Through our relationship with Him, we have someone we can always go to for unconditional love, support, comfort, strength, and help. Their message was that this frees up our spouses from having to carry an unnecessary emotional burden - that of being our all in all. No human can ever be your all in all, and it's unfair to expect that of even our spouses.

They also spoke of having activities that you each do apart, either alone or with other friends, as well as the importance of having other friends. They said that no matter what, a wife cannot provide what a guy gets in relationships with other guys, and a husband cannot provide what a woman gets in relationships with other women. This is simply due to the fact that we are wired differently (and if that's news to you, please go read "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus").

This also goes back to the point of working on our own personal issues. A lot of those personal issues that have nothing to do with our spouse result in us expecting things from our spouse that they either A) cannot provide or B) shouldn't have to be responsible for providing.

All in all, I agree on each of those three points. I agree based on my marriage experience, not just in opinion only. This portion of the book started to make me think that maybe with the right formula and fair and realistic expectations, marriage CAN work and be wonderful.

But, I still haven't been full re-won over to the idea just yet ;) All I have to say is that if any man ever wants to marry me in the future, he's going to have to read this book first! And agree with it! In fact, if he just wants to go get mentored by John Eldredge, that would be ok too :)