"Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."
~ Warren Barfield
John and Stasi Eldredge would wholeheartedly agree with that statment. Although, I'm not sure they'd say it's not a fight: Based on the sound of chapter 5, they make it sound like love is one hell of fight. Excuse my double hockey sticks.
They officially start the discourse on all the ways the devil attacks marriages - but not before letting us know that most Christians are still niave to the fact that our marraiges are constantly under attack. If we're not living in defense mode with our spiritual armor on, we're going to fall for the "boobie traps" as they call them.
It starts with our thoughts, and the agreements we make with the thoughts that the devil feeds us. They told the story of a man getting into his car to leave for work and how even giving into the thought "She is such a nag," was an open doorway into the boobie trap. Giving into those thoughts create cracks, and the cracks create deep fissures.
But they went on to say that the devil doesn't just stop there and reminded us that he comes to "Kill, steal, and destroy." They told stories of a woman who had nightmares everytime her husband wanted to be intimate, and A woman who got a mysterious illness the doctors couldn't figure out everytime her husband traveled.
The summary: we have an enemy, and it is essential to stand against him, unified, if we want to see our marriages survive.
Their recommendation for a happy marriage was this: 1) Each person have a living relationship with the living God. 2) Each person deal with their own personal issues. 3) Stand continuously unified against the attacks of the Enemy. They guaranteed that doing these three things alone would make our marriage a freeing and joyous experience and relationship.
I believe them.
On another note, It made me think about the agreements I myself have made with the devil through my divorce experience. John said he had made the agreement that "it was just too hard." I confess, I've made the same agreement this past year. I agreed that being single is just plain easier. I get to do things my way, all the time, and have no one permanently disturb that. I made the agreement that marriage isn't worth it. That I'm better off alone. That it's only going to hurt me. That a man is only going to hurt me. I made an agreement many years ago that because I hadn't maintained my purity, I am "tainted." I agreed that divorce only made me more tainted. I made the agreement that any man who wants my heart is going to have to climb Mt. Everest to get it. I made an agreement against romantic love.
Those kind of suck, right? lol. I'm really guaranteeing myself some miserable loneliness if I stick to those, lol. Truth is, deep down, I know I want love - a Godly husband and a family. So I will wholeheartedly renounce those agreements. I'm just not ready for love QUITE yet. But I'm thankful for having those agreements pointed out... I really wouldn't want to live with those my whole life!
What agreements have YOU made about love?
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Love and War Part 3: It's Not them... It's Us. Individual Issues Affecting Your Marriage.
Today I finished chapter 3 and began 4 of "Love and War," by John and Stasi Eldredge, about which I am writing this blog series.
Like they had started discussing yesterday, the latter half of chapter three continued to talk about our "way of relating," or "our relating style." They attribute each individual's way of relating as derived from our "life story," our wounds, and our sin. They've also referred to it as our "way of dealing with life."
They gave examples of how a man and woman's individual style of relating is inherently different from one another's (each of ours is somewhat unique), and that these can cause a number of conflicts in a marriage - often conflicts that deep down have nothing to do with the other person or the marriage. Often they are inner conflicts whose roots lie in experiences and wounds from our pasts.
They spoke of how John and Stasi have both sought individual counseling at different times and what a benefit that brought to their marriage. It made me think that if each married individual did that, we'd all be better off! I think the success rates of marriages would go way up! In fact, I am of the opinion that everyone would benefit from some counseling. No one in this world is unwounded. But more than that, I think everyone who hopes or plans to get married someday should seek individual counseling, whether your currently dating the person you hope to marry or still single. Why not work on healing as many of those wounds as possible NOW, instead of waiting for them to blow up into a problem that hurts your marriage down the line? Letting that happen just seems stupid to me. I know I would benefit from further counseling, and after hearing it discussed from John and Stasi's perspective, I fully intend on getting some before I get remarried someday. I mean, after what I've been through with my first husband, my second will be thanking his lucky stars that I was that smart, lol. Which doesn't mean he won't still need to walk with me through different parts of my healing. I think there are still going to be certain things in which he will actually be integral to my healing - like providing a feeling of safety, exercising calm strength, and being a spiritual leader. All of those things will contribute to my healing process, and they're all very high on my list of what I'm looking for in my future hubby.
I think everyone would be wise to seek individual counseling before they get married, especially if they're currently dating the person they think they will marry. Even more so, I think it's doubly wise to get counseling when you're having a marital struggle that is really not about the marriage or your husband, but about you. When God shows you that something you're struggling with is something to do with you and not your husband, it's your responsibility to address that instead of taking it out on him - although he should certainly walk with you through it. A spouse should always be there for you and walk with you through your personal struggles, but they shouldn't have to suffer unfairly because of them.
That was only one half of what they talked about in the portion that I listened to today, but it's so chock full of things to think about that the second half will have to wait!
Like they had started discussing yesterday, the latter half of chapter three continued to talk about our "way of relating," or "our relating style." They attribute each individual's way of relating as derived from our "life story," our wounds, and our sin. They've also referred to it as our "way of dealing with life."
They gave examples of how a man and woman's individual style of relating is inherently different from one another's (each of ours is somewhat unique), and that these can cause a number of conflicts in a marriage - often conflicts that deep down have nothing to do with the other person or the marriage. Often they are inner conflicts whose roots lie in experiences and wounds from our pasts.
They spoke of how John and Stasi have both sought individual counseling at different times and what a benefit that brought to their marriage. It made me think that if each married individual did that, we'd all be better off! I think the success rates of marriages would go way up! In fact, I am of the opinion that everyone would benefit from some counseling. No one in this world is unwounded. But more than that, I think everyone who hopes or plans to get married someday should seek individual counseling, whether your currently dating the person you hope to marry or still single. Why not work on healing as many of those wounds as possible NOW, instead of waiting for them to blow up into a problem that hurts your marriage down the line? Letting that happen just seems stupid to me. I know I would benefit from further counseling, and after hearing it discussed from John and Stasi's perspective, I fully intend on getting some before I get remarried someday. I mean, after what I've been through with my first husband, my second will be thanking his lucky stars that I was that smart, lol. Which doesn't mean he won't still need to walk with me through different parts of my healing. I think there are still going to be certain things in which he will actually be integral to my healing - like providing a feeling of safety, exercising calm strength, and being a spiritual leader. All of those things will contribute to my healing process, and they're all very high on my list of what I'm looking for in my future hubby.
I think everyone would be wise to seek individual counseling before they get married, especially if they're currently dating the person they think they will marry. Even more so, I think it's doubly wise to get counseling when you're having a marital struggle that is really not about the marriage or your husband, but about you. When God shows you that something you're struggling with is something to do with you and not your husband, it's your responsibility to address that instead of taking it out on him - although he should certainly walk with you through it. A spouse should always be there for you and walk with you through your personal struggles, but they shouldn't have to suffer unfairly because of them.
That was only one half of what they talked about in the portion that I listened to today, but it's so chock full of things to think about that the second half will have to wait!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Love and War - Part 2
Marriage is God's divine conspiracy.
That basically sums up chapter three of "Love and War," By John and Stasi Eldredge. Doesn't quite sound like God to create conspiracys, right? Let's explain.
John and Stasi Eldredge use chapter three to dive deeper into why marriage is so hard. They start by explaining what it is about the other person that absolutely drives them crazy. After hearing the lists from each of them, I wondered how they even live with each other!
They then went on to describe the wounds they each brought with them into their marriage, and how those played out in their first few years of marriage, which led to their first close call with the D word. Stasi felt like nothing she did was good enough, everything was a failure. She would never be able to please John. If she ironed a shirt, he would re-iron it, for example. As I listened to that (I listen to books on mp3, by the way), I thought to myself, with an ache in my heart, "That sounds familiar."
Then John spoke, and he said that the theme of the wounds he brought into the marriage was "abandonment." He said he was almost a "violent" perfectionist. Now, my ex was NOT a perfectionist, but he was violent. And abandonment is DEFINITELY the theme of his wounds. I saw a similarity there. It was a little scary, but I feel like it helped me to understand him a little more, although it makes no excuse for his behavior. I was at least comforted by the fact that someone else has gone through that too (Stasi).
They went on to describe the natural conflict that arises in marriage. First, they noted that the old adage "opposites attract" is absolutely true. The kicker is that God does that on purpose. It is by putting two different people together that He is able to refine us. If we were exactly the same as our spouses, life would be A) boring, and B) too easy. But he puts opposites together purposely to make us more like Him. The spouse he picks for us is the exact person that is best equipped to help us become the person God has planned for us to be, and vice versa.
Part of what makes marriage God's refining process for us is that we all, as individuals, create a way of coping with life that best works for us that is a result of both our wounds and our sin. The problem is that even going into marriage, we never intend to give "our way" up. We all casually say, "Oh, of course I know we'll have to compromise," but when it starts to become uncomfortable, we have a problem with it. So, as part of the refining process that God has created within marriage, he created it to be a dynamic in which we HAVE to give it up if we want to succeed. John and Stasi noted that true love and intimacy is often lost or hidden through refusing to give up "our way." I thought that was a significant point to consider and in my opinion, definitely one of the factors that creates big problems within marriages.
I listen to this book on mp3 for about 30-40 minutes in my car every morning, and that covers about a half to a whole chapter. Regardless of how little that seems to be, I am gaining valuable insight from that mere 40 minutes a day. Each paragraph gives me insight either to my failed marraige, my misconceptions of marriage, or the realities of marraige. In addition, it reveals some of the areas most susceptible to leading to big problems in a marriage and ways to try to avoid them. In 3 chapters, I feel that I'm gaining information that will give my next (and final) marriage much higher chances of success.
That basically sums up chapter three of "Love and War," By John and Stasi Eldredge. Doesn't quite sound like God to create conspiracys, right? Let's explain.
John and Stasi Eldredge use chapter three to dive deeper into why marriage is so hard. They start by explaining what it is about the other person that absolutely drives them crazy. After hearing the lists from each of them, I wondered how they even live with each other!
They then went on to describe the wounds they each brought with them into their marriage, and how those played out in their first few years of marriage, which led to their first close call with the D word. Stasi felt like nothing she did was good enough, everything was a failure. She would never be able to please John. If she ironed a shirt, he would re-iron it, for example. As I listened to that (I listen to books on mp3, by the way), I thought to myself, with an ache in my heart, "That sounds familiar."
Then John spoke, and he said that the theme of the wounds he brought into the marriage was "abandonment." He said he was almost a "violent" perfectionist. Now, my ex was NOT a perfectionist, but he was violent. And abandonment is DEFINITELY the theme of his wounds. I saw a similarity there. It was a little scary, but I feel like it helped me to understand him a little more, although it makes no excuse for his behavior. I was at least comforted by the fact that someone else has gone through that too (Stasi).
They went on to describe the natural conflict that arises in marriage. First, they noted that the old adage "opposites attract" is absolutely true. The kicker is that God does that on purpose. It is by putting two different people together that He is able to refine us. If we were exactly the same as our spouses, life would be A) boring, and B) too easy. But he puts opposites together purposely to make us more like Him. The spouse he picks for us is the exact person that is best equipped to help us become the person God has planned for us to be, and vice versa.
Part of what makes marriage God's refining process for us is that we all, as individuals, create a way of coping with life that best works for us that is a result of both our wounds and our sin. The problem is that even going into marriage, we never intend to give "our way" up. We all casually say, "Oh, of course I know we'll have to compromise," but when it starts to become uncomfortable, we have a problem with it. So, as part of the refining process that God has created within marriage, he created it to be a dynamic in which we HAVE to give it up if we want to succeed. John and Stasi noted that true love and intimacy is often lost or hidden through refusing to give up "our way." I thought that was a significant point to consider and in my opinion, definitely one of the factors that creates big problems within marriages.
I listen to this book on mp3 for about 30-40 minutes in my car every morning, and that covers about a half to a whole chapter. Regardless of how little that seems to be, I am gaining valuable insight from that mere 40 minutes a day. Each paragraph gives me insight either to my failed marraige, my misconceptions of marriage, or the realities of marraige. In addition, it reveals some of the areas most susceptible to leading to big problems in a marriage and ways to try to avoid them. In 3 chapters, I feel that I'm gaining information that will give my next (and final) marriage much higher chances of success.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Love and War - The Start of a Series?
"It CAN be done."
That's the opening message of John and Stasi Eldredge's latest book, "Love and War." It is largely addressed to those who have been married before or for some time, and it is addressing their skepticism. Their weariness from having tried and reached the point of wanting to give up.
Being a product of divorce and a soon to be divorcee, I have experienced my fair share of skepticism over the institution of marriage - especially within the last year of going through my own divorce. Books like "Love and War" and "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage," by Elizabeth Gilbert (of "Eat Pray Love" fame) appeal to me, because I can relate.
I want to know why we should even attempt marriage if it's so hard and how we can make it work. I want to know why it's worth it. I want to know why I should want to try it again. I want something to make me want it again, because I don't want to remain so scarred and bitter against it. I am starting to slowly soften and warm up to it again. One of the reasons this matters to me is because I feel a conviction in my gut that God doesn't plan for me to remain single for the rest of my life, nor does He want me to WANT to be single for the rest of my life and remain bitter. I truly believe He has a plan for me to get married again (to the right guy) and make a family. So I want to get to the point where I am open to that and have peace with it.
So, I am thinking that I will blog about that journey. My journey of studying the topic of marriage more deeply and how that helps me to become ready to try again.
And we start with "Love and War."
One of the main messages in the early portion of the book emphasises how marriage is a depiction of Christ's relationship with the church. They talk about how much God LOVES marriage. They point out something which many Christians don't necessarily notice - that the Bible begins AND ends with marriage.
It really made me think about how, just like every other aspect of our lives as Christians, life is not about us! So it only makes sense that neither is marriage! It's about God. It's about representing God's love for us, Christ's love for the church. It's about glorifying God. That's the point I really took home: It's not about us.
Yet, that's what most people, even Christians, tend to think - that it's about us and our happiness. That's why, when our happiness within a marriage starts to fade, many are so quick to give up. I've heard a handful of Christians talk about marriage being a representation of Christ's relationship with the church, but I'm not sure of how many actually live that way. And I've never heard of that being on anyone's list of criteria for what they're looking for in a mate - "Is this person the one best suited to represent the kingdom of God with me?" How would our standards and our relationships drastically change, if this truly was how we measured them? How would we handle conflicts in our romantic relationships if we were consciously thinking about how we, as a couple, could best glorify God and represent His kingdom on a daily basis? How would we treat each other differently?
This truly puts an entirely new perspective on my standards for a future husband and my mindset for when I'm evaluating someone against them someday. Something tells me that if more couples operated like this, we'd see a declining rate of divorce in our country.
Until next time - stay tuned :)
That's the opening message of John and Stasi Eldredge's latest book, "Love and War." It is largely addressed to those who have been married before or for some time, and it is addressing their skepticism. Their weariness from having tried and reached the point of wanting to give up.
Being a product of divorce and a soon to be divorcee, I have experienced my fair share of skepticism over the institution of marriage - especially within the last year of going through my own divorce. Books like "Love and War" and "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage," by Elizabeth Gilbert (of "Eat Pray Love" fame) appeal to me, because I can relate.
I want to know why we should even attempt marriage if it's so hard and how we can make it work. I want to know why it's worth it. I want to know why I should want to try it again. I want something to make me want it again, because I don't want to remain so scarred and bitter against it. I am starting to slowly soften and warm up to it again. One of the reasons this matters to me is because I feel a conviction in my gut that God doesn't plan for me to remain single for the rest of my life, nor does He want me to WANT to be single for the rest of my life and remain bitter. I truly believe He has a plan for me to get married again (to the right guy) and make a family. So I want to get to the point where I am open to that and have peace with it.
So, I am thinking that I will blog about that journey. My journey of studying the topic of marriage more deeply and how that helps me to become ready to try again.
And we start with "Love and War."
One of the main messages in the early portion of the book emphasises how marriage is a depiction of Christ's relationship with the church. They talk about how much God LOVES marriage. They point out something which many Christians don't necessarily notice - that the Bible begins AND ends with marriage.
It really made me think about how, just like every other aspect of our lives as Christians, life is not about us! So it only makes sense that neither is marriage! It's about God. It's about representing God's love for us, Christ's love for the church. It's about glorifying God. That's the point I really took home: It's not about us.
Yet, that's what most people, even Christians, tend to think - that it's about us and our happiness. That's why, when our happiness within a marriage starts to fade, many are so quick to give up. I've heard a handful of Christians talk about marriage being a representation of Christ's relationship with the church, but I'm not sure of how many actually live that way. And I've never heard of that being on anyone's list of criteria for what they're looking for in a mate - "Is this person the one best suited to represent the kingdom of God with me?" How would our standards and our relationships drastically change, if this truly was how we measured them? How would we handle conflicts in our romantic relationships if we were consciously thinking about how we, as a couple, could best glorify God and represent His kingdom on a daily basis? How would we treat each other differently?
This truly puts an entirely new perspective on my standards for a future husband and my mindset for when I'm evaluating someone against them someday. Something tells me that if more couples operated like this, we'd see a declining rate of divorce in our country.
Until next time - stay tuned :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Real Story
'Morning, guys!
So, if you've been following my blog for the last 3-6 months, you've been following really only part of my story - the part that's been happening in this "season" of my life, which is the story about my marriage and divorce, and how that's changed my life for the better. What you DON'T know is the history that led me into that marriage. Now, for the record - I am not claiming that my story is any more dramatic or worse than anyone else's. I know it's not. It's just mine. And I'm giving you the succinct version, not the long drawn out one :)
My story really begins when I was 10 years old. That's when life started become real to me - when the hard things start to hit and you're not just going through your days as an innocent child anymore. My parents separated when I was 10. That was followed by my mom's severe depression and multiple suicide attempts over many years. My dad began a custody battle after the first one and other unhealthy situations arising, which my father won. My siblings and I moved to NY, which at that time was one of the hardest moments of my life. All I remember was looking out the back windshield and crying as we were driving away. Not as many children end up with their fathers in those situations, and I had an insane bond with my mother back then. We're still close now, but it's not the same. Her illness has forced me to keep myself at a healthy distance in order to prevent myself from getting too affected by it so that I could still function healthfully. Even though my mother was still alive, I spent all of my teenage and college years without her playing a pivotal role in my life, simply because of the fact that we were separated. That felt wierd to me, and it was sad.
The first few years after moving to New York were spent enduring some tough adjustments. My dad was a single parent who was working his butt off, and we saw him about 2 hours a night during the weeknights. He tried a couple of nannies, but we were largely independent. When I turned 16, I was responsible for being the family chauffeur in his absense. Turning 16 also marked another significant event in our family timeline. My father met and became remarried to my current stepmother very quickly. At the time, it seemed wonderful. We bought a new car, she redecorated the house, and we got a dog, a step-sister, and a step-grandmother to round out the package.
However, that happy picture quickly turned sour, as it became clear that my stepmother was emotionally abusive. She was mean to all of us (my siblings and I), but for some reason I received the worst of it. She broke me down till I could not have possibly broken any further. Also during high school, both my sister and brother went through times of cutting themselves. All of those experiences culminated in about a decade of painful and dark times for me.
It was during all of these other events transpiring that I began looking to relationships for the love and affirmation I wasn't receiving at home, and I began settling for any relationship that would come along, just to satisfy that need. - which eventually led to me settling for a man that I was never meant to be with, marrying him, and then finding myself in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage.
It was THIS that led me to dream of doing what I plan to do today... which is to carry out the vision God's given me of ministering to youth going through similar and other equally difficult experiences, because the only thing that enabled me to survive the brokenness I felt through that decade was believing that through God, I would find happiness someday.
And that's why my life verse is Psalm 27:13, which in some translations says it the way I felt it: "I would have lost hope if I hadn't believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
I'm living to give other teens that exact same hope - because that is what saved me.
So, if you've been following my blog for the last 3-6 months, you've been following really only part of my story - the part that's been happening in this "season" of my life, which is the story about my marriage and divorce, and how that's changed my life for the better. What you DON'T know is the history that led me into that marriage. Now, for the record - I am not claiming that my story is any more dramatic or worse than anyone else's. I know it's not. It's just mine. And I'm giving you the succinct version, not the long drawn out one :)
My story really begins when I was 10 years old. That's when life started become real to me - when the hard things start to hit and you're not just going through your days as an innocent child anymore. My parents separated when I was 10. That was followed by my mom's severe depression and multiple suicide attempts over many years. My dad began a custody battle after the first one and other unhealthy situations arising, which my father won. My siblings and I moved to NY, which at that time was one of the hardest moments of my life. All I remember was looking out the back windshield and crying as we were driving away. Not as many children end up with their fathers in those situations, and I had an insane bond with my mother back then. We're still close now, but it's not the same. Her illness has forced me to keep myself at a healthy distance in order to prevent myself from getting too affected by it so that I could still function healthfully. Even though my mother was still alive, I spent all of my teenage and college years without her playing a pivotal role in my life, simply because of the fact that we were separated. That felt wierd to me, and it was sad.
The first few years after moving to New York were spent enduring some tough adjustments. My dad was a single parent who was working his butt off, and we saw him about 2 hours a night during the weeknights. He tried a couple of nannies, but we were largely independent. When I turned 16, I was responsible for being the family chauffeur in his absense. Turning 16 also marked another significant event in our family timeline. My father met and became remarried to my current stepmother very quickly. At the time, it seemed wonderful. We bought a new car, she redecorated the house, and we got a dog, a step-sister, and a step-grandmother to round out the package.
However, that happy picture quickly turned sour, as it became clear that my stepmother was emotionally abusive. She was mean to all of us (my siblings and I), but for some reason I received the worst of it. She broke me down till I could not have possibly broken any further. Also during high school, both my sister and brother went through times of cutting themselves. All of those experiences culminated in about a decade of painful and dark times for me.
It was during all of these other events transpiring that I began looking to relationships for the love and affirmation I wasn't receiving at home, and I began settling for any relationship that would come along, just to satisfy that need. - which eventually led to me settling for a man that I was never meant to be with, marrying him, and then finding myself in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage.
It was THIS that led me to dream of doing what I plan to do today... which is to carry out the vision God's given me of ministering to youth going through similar and other equally difficult experiences, because the only thing that enabled me to survive the brokenness I felt through that decade was believing that through God, I would find happiness someday.
And that's why my life verse is Psalm 27:13, which in some translations says it the way I felt it: "I would have lost hope if I hadn't believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."
I'm living to give other teens that exact same hope - because that is what saved me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
