This evening has me thinking about friendships, rather than marital relationships. Time to switch up the pace.
I was discouraged by a friend this morning. It put a big downer on my day, which sucked. It made me think of other comments of hers that had discouraged me earlier in the week. I've been praying about it all day, asking God why I was so upset (I felt like I was a little OVER emotional about it), why I am more emotional over issues with some friends and not with others, how it might relate to past wounds caused by people I thought were true friends...
I keep reminding myself that the old adage about not being able to make someone love you is just as true with "just friends" as it is with lovers. Some people just don't love you the way you want them to and you can't make them. You just have to let them go. Some people do genuinely love you, they're just so busy and consumed with other things that they don't stop to think about how their actions are affecting you.
So that fills me with questions.
How and where do you find the kind of friends that go with you through anything and everything - the ones who endure the nitty gritty with you, the ones who endure your bad days just as willingly as the good days? Why are they so rare? How do you cultivate those friendships? What is it about a person that makes a friend WANT to be that kind of friend to them?
It seems to me that more often than not, "friends" just run away when things get too uncomfortable for them. The ones that stay through thick and thin are hard to find.
Also: If I want to be that kind of a friend, what do you do on days like today? Do you forgive and forget - or is that being dishonest? Is forgiving and forgetting really true love if you're not being honest about what hurt you - whether it's over-emotional or not? Do you take the risk that they will reject you if you put your feelings out on the line, or do you just let it go in order to not risk rocking the boat (i.e. the relationship)?
Relationships are complicated, romantic or not.
When I was a little kid (before I was saved), I used to lie ALL the time. I was a terrible kid. I stole cookies, I stole money out of my mother's purse, I snuck clothes my mother wouldn't let me wear to school in my bookbag and changed in the bathroom...and I lied all the time (of course - to avoid getting in trouble - which didn't work anyway!). But I came to a point in my childhood - I believe it was when I was 10 - that I decided lying wasn't worth it, and I stopped. I came to a different point, sometime in my teen or college years, when I decided that honesty was always the best policy - no matter how much it might hurt to hear it sometimes. And I still believe that wholeheartedly. Honesty is the BEST policy.
So, with the risk of hurting feelings or hurting a relationship, I'm going to have to choose honesty anyway. Because a relationship without any honesty isn't a real friendship, anyway. And I WANT the friendship in which we would do anything for each other, sink or swim, do or die - including going through the nitty gritty, enduring the good days and the bad - the days when I'm not the most awesome person and you kinda feel like punching me in the face. Knowing me, I can guarantee there will be some.
And I'm willing to take the risk of being honest in order to find it.
Update: We talked, and it was easy :) She is such a beautiful woman of God. Sweet, sweet soul, that girl. And definitely a true friend :) BUT, I still think those questions are ones worth pondering, and do-or-die friends are always worth it when you find them. I hope you have a do-or-die friend... and if you don't right now, I hope you will have the blessing of one in your lifetime... if not, I hope you meet the best do-or-die friend of all in Heaven.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The Perks of a Party of 1
So, I've been writing about my thoughts, feelings, and reflections as I've been reading through "Love and War," John and Stasi Eldredge's latest and greatest. It's been incredibly insightful, and I recommend it to everyone, married or single.
BUT - for as much as I may be trying to work on having a heart that is open to the idea of a new relationship (in the future), I climbed into my bed last night - my incredibly comfortable bed - and thought to myself "I LOVE that this bed only fits one."
I believe that comes from the fact that I'm not just coming out of a marriage, but an abusive one. When the person who is supposed to treat you the best starts to treat you the worst, you begin to appreciate your safety a whole bunch more. So sleeping in a twin bed makes me feel safe. No one else can get in it and violate my safety. My room is MY room... no unwanted visitors! It may sound silly. But it means a whole dang lot to me.
Sometimes, the person you need to look after the most is you.
And I realized after I thought that, that even though I am working on my healing and desire to get to the place where I am able to open my heart again, I am still in a place where I have no desire for that right now - I'm working for it so that it will happen SOMEDAY, not right now. For the first time in my life (since blossoming into a teenager and having those desires for a relationship awakened), I LOVE being single. Might've taken a bad marriage to get here, but I am happy that I'm here! I'm content being single. I LOVE it. There's something about realizing the realities of living with a romantic partner that make you forever grateful for the blessings that come with NOT!
So, cheers to being single - my worth is not defined by being in a relationship, except the one I have with Jesus!
BUT - for as much as I may be trying to work on having a heart that is open to the idea of a new relationship (in the future), I climbed into my bed last night - my incredibly comfortable bed - and thought to myself "I LOVE that this bed only fits one."
I believe that comes from the fact that I'm not just coming out of a marriage, but an abusive one. When the person who is supposed to treat you the best starts to treat you the worst, you begin to appreciate your safety a whole bunch more. So sleeping in a twin bed makes me feel safe. No one else can get in it and violate my safety. My room is MY room... no unwanted visitors! It may sound silly. But it means a whole dang lot to me.
Sometimes, the person you need to look after the most is you.
And I realized after I thought that, that even though I am working on my healing and desire to get to the place where I am able to open my heart again, I am still in a place where I have no desire for that right now - I'm working for it so that it will happen SOMEDAY, not right now. For the first time in my life (since blossoming into a teenager and having those desires for a relationship awakened), I LOVE being single. Might've taken a bad marriage to get here, but I am happy that I'm here! I'm content being single. I LOVE it. There's something about realizing the realities of living with a romantic partner that make you forever grateful for the blessings that come with NOT!
So, cheers to being single - my worth is not defined by being in a relationship, except the one I have with Jesus!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Love and War Part 3: It's Not them... It's Us. Individual Issues Affecting Your Marriage.
Today I finished chapter 3 and began 4 of "Love and War," by John and Stasi Eldredge, about which I am writing this blog series.
Like they had started discussing yesterday, the latter half of chapter three continued to talk about our "way of relating," or "our relating style." They attribute each individual's way of relating as derived from our "life story," our wounds, and our sin. They've also referred to it as our "way of dealing with life."
They gave examples of how a man and woman's individual style of relating is inherently different from one another's (each of ours is somewhat unique), and that these can cause a number of conflicts in a marriage - often conflicts that deep down have nothing to do with the other person or the marriage. Often they are inner conflicts whose roots lie in experiences and wounds from our pasts.
They spoke of how John and Stasi have both sought individual counseling at different times and what a benefit that brought to their marriage. It made me think that if each married individual did that, we'd all be better off! I think the success rates of marriages would go way up! In fact, I am of the opinion that everyone would benefit from some counseling. No one in this world is unwounded. But more than that, I think everyone who hopes or plans to get married someday should seek individual counseling, whether your currently dating the person you hope to marry or still single. Why not work on healing as many of those wounds as possible NOW, instead of waiting for them to blow up into a problem that hurts your marriage down the line? Letting that happen just seems stupid to me. I know I would benefit from further counseling, and after hearing it discussed from John and Stasi's perspective, I fully intend on getting some before I get remarried someday. I mean, after what I've been through with my first husband, my second will be thanking his lucky stars that I was that smart, lol. Which doesn't mean he won't still need to walk with me through different parts of my healing. I think there are still going to be certain things in which he will actually be integral to my healing - like providing a feeling of safety, exercising calm strength, and being a spiritual leader. All of those things will contribute to my healing process, and they're all very high on my list of what I'm looking for in my future hubby.
I think everyone would be wise to seek individual counseling before they get married, especially if they're currently dating the person they think they will marry. Even more so, I think it's doubly wise to get counseling when you're having a marital struggle that is really not about the marriage or your husband, but about you. When God shows you that something you're struggling with is something to do with you and not your husband, it's your responsibility to address that instead of taking it out on him - although he should certainly walk with you through it. A spouse should always be there for you and walk with you through your personal struggles, but they shouldn't have to suffer unfairly because of them.
That was only one half of what they talked about in the portion that I listened to today, but it's so chock full of things to think about that the second half will have to wait!
Like they had started discussing yesterday, the latter half of chapter three continued to talk about our "way of relating," or "our relating style." They attribute each individual's way of relating as derived from our "life story," our wounds, and our sin. They've also referred to it as our "way of dealing with life."
They gave examples of how a man and woman's individual style of relating is inherently different from one another's (each of ours is somewhat unique), and that these can cause a number of conflicts in a marriage - often conflicts that deep down have nothing to do with the other person or the marriage. Often they are inner conflicts whose roots lie in experiences and wounds from our pasts.
They spoke of how John and Stasi have both sought individual counseling at different times and what a benefit that brought to their marriage. It made me think that if each married individual did that, we'd all be better off! I think the success rates of marriages would go way up! In fact, I am of the opinion that everyone would benefit from some counseling. No one in this world is unwounded. But more than that, I think everyone who hopes or plans to get married someday should seek individual counseling, whether your currently dating the person you hope to marry or still single. Why not work on healing as many of those wounds as possible NOW, instead of waiting for them to blow up into a problem that hurts your marriage down the line? Letting that happen just seems stupid to me. I know I would benefit from further counseling, and after hearing it discussed from John and Stasi's perspective, I fully intend on getting some before I get remarried someday. I mean, after what I've been through with my first husband, my second will be thanking his lucky stars that I was that smart, lol. Which doesn't mean he won't still need to walk with me through different parts of my healing. I think there are still going to be certain things in which he will actually be integral to my healing - like providing a feeling of safety, exercising calm strength, and being a spiritual leader. All of those things will contribute to my healing process, and they're all very high on my list of what I'm looking for in my future hubby.
I think everyone would be wise to seek individual counseling before they get married, especially if they're currently dating the person they think they will marry. Even more so, I think it's doubly wise to get counseling when you're having a marital struggle that is really not about the marriage or your husband, but about you. When God shows you that something you're struggling with is something to do with you and not your husband, it's your responsibility to address that instead of taking it out on him - although he should certainly walk with you through it. A spouse should always be there for you and walk with you through your personal struggles, but they shouldn't have to suffer unfairly because of them.
That was only one half of what they talked about in the portion that I listened to today, but it's so chock full of things to think about that the second half will have to wait!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Love and War - Part 2
Marriage is God's divine conspiracy.
That basically sums up chapter three of "Love and War," By John and Stasi Eldredge. Doesn't quite sound like God to create conspiracys, right? Let's explain.
John and Stasi Eldredge use chapter three to dive deeper into why marriage is so hard. They start by explaining what it is about the other person that absolutely drives them crazy. After hearing the lists from each of them, I wondered how they even live with each other!
They then went on to describe the wounds they each brought with them into their marriage, and how those played out in their first few years of marriage, which led to their first close call with the D word. Stasi felt like nothing she did was good enough, everything was a failure. She would never be able to please John. If she ironed a shirt, he would re-iron it, for example. As I listened to that (I listen to books on mp3, by the way), I thought to myself, with an ache in my heart, "That sounds familiar."
Then John spoke, and he said that the theme of the wounds he brought into the marriage was "abandonment." He said he was almost a "violent" perfectionist. Now, my ex was NOT a perfectionist, but he was violent. And abandonment is DEFINITELY the theme of his wounds. I saw a similarity there. It was a little scary, but I feel like it helped me to understand him a little more, although it makes no excuse for his behavior. I was at least comforted by the fact that someone else has gone through that too (Stasi).
They went on to describe the natural conflict that arises in marriage. First, they noted that the old adage "opposites attract" is absolutely true. The kicker is that God does that on purpose. It is by putting two different people together that He is able to refine us. If we were exactly the same as our spouses, life would be A) boring, and B) too easy. But he puts opposites together purposely to make us more like Him. The spouse he picks for us is the exact person that is best equipped to help us become the person God has planned for us to be, and vice versa.
Part of what makes marriage God's refining process for us is that we all, as individuals, create a way of coping with life that best works for us that is a result of both our wounds and our sin. The problem is that even going into marriage, we never intend to give "our way" up. We all casually say, "Oh, of course I know we'll have to compromise," but when it starts to become uncomfortable, we have a problem with it. So, as part of the refining process that God has created within marriage, he created it to be a dynamic in which we HAVE to give it up if we want to succeed. John and Stasi noted that true love and intimacy is often lost or hidden through refusing to give up "our way." I thought that was a significant point to consider and in my opinion, definitely one of the factors that creates big problems within marriages.
I listen to this book on mp3 for about 30-40 minutes in my car every morning, and that covers about a half to a whole chapter. Regardless of how little that seems to be, I am gaining valuable insight from that mere 40 minutes a day. Each paragraph gives me insight either to my failed marraige, my misconceptions of marriage, or the realities of marraige. In addition, it reveals some of the areas most susceptible to leading to big problems in a marriage and ways to try to avoid them. In 3 chapters, I feel that I'm gaining information that will give my next (and final) marriage much higher chances of success.
That basically sums up chapter three of "Love and War," By John and Stasi Eldredge. Doesn't quite sound like God to create conspiracys, right? Let's explain.
John and Stasi Eldredge use chapter three to dive deeper into why marriage is so hard. They start by explaining what it is about the other person that absolutely drives them crazy. After hearing the lists from each of them, I wondered how they even live with each other!
They then went on to describe the wounds they each brought with them into their marriage, and how those played out in their first few years of marriage, which led to their first close call with the D word. Stasi felt like nothing she did was good enough, everything was a failure. She would never be able to please John. If she ironed a shirt, he would re-iron it, for example. As I listened to that (I listen to books on mp3, by the way), I thought to myself, with an ache in my heart, "That sounds familiar."
Then John spoke, and he said that the theme of the wounds he brought into the marriage was "abandonment." He said he was almost a "violent" perfectionist. Now, my ex was NOT a perfectionist, but he was violent. And abandonment is DEFINITELY the theme of his wounds. I saw a similarity there. It was a little scary, but I feel like it helped me to understand him a little more, although it makes no excuse for his behavior. I was at least comforted by the fact that someone else has gone through that too (Stasi).
They went on to describe the natural conflict that arises in marriage. First, they noted that the old adage "opposites attract" is absolutely true. The kicker is that God does that on purpose. It is by putting two different people together that He is able to refine us. If we were exactly the same as our spouses, life would be A) boring, and B) too easy. But he puts opposites together purposely to make us more like Him. The spouse he picks for us is the exact person that is best equipped to help us become the person God has planned for us to be, and vice versa.
Part of what makes marriage God's refining process for us is that we all, as individuals, create a way of coping with life that best works for us that is a result of both our wounds and our sin. The problem is that even going into marriage, we never intend to give "our way" up. We all casually say, "Oh, of course I know we'll have to compromise," but when it starts to become uncomfortable, we have a problem with it. So, as part of the refining process that God has created within marriage, he created it to be a dynamic in which we HAVE to give it up if we want to succeed. John and Stasi noted that true love and intimacy is often lost or hidden through refusing to give up "our way." I thought that was a significant point to consider and in my opinion, definitely one of the factors that creates big problems within marriages.
I listen to this book on mp3 for about 30-40 minutes in my car every morning, and that covers about a half to a whole chapter. Regardless of how little that seems to be, I am gaining valuable insight from that mere 40 minutes a day. Each paragraph gives me insight either to my failed marraige, my misconceptions of marriage, or the realities of marraige. In addition, it reveals some of the areas most susceptible to leading to big problems in a marriage and ways to try to avoid them. In 3 chapters, I feel that I'm gaining information that will give my next (and final) marriage much higher chances of success.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Love and War - The Start of a Series?
"It CAN be done."
That's the opening message of John and Stasi Eldredge's latest book, "Love and War." It is largely addressed to those who have been married before or for some time, and it is addressing their skepticism. Their weariness from having tried and reached the point of wanting to give up.
Being a product of divorce and a soon to be divorcee, I have experienced my fair share of skepticism over the institution of marriage - especially within the last year of going through my own divorce. Books like "Love and War" and "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage," by Elizabeth Gilbert (of "Eat Pray Love" fame) appeal to me, because I can relate.
I want to know why we should even attempt marriage if it's so hard and how we can make it work. I want to know why it's worth it. I want to know why I should want to try it again. I want something to make me want it again, because I don't want to remain so scarred and bitter against it. I am starting to slowly soften and warm up to it again. One of the reasons this matters to me is because I feel a conviction in my gut that God doesn't plan for me to remain single for the rest of my life, nor does He want me to WANT to be single for the rest of my life and remain bitter. I truly believe He has a plan for me to get married again (to the right guy) and make a family. So I want to get to the point where I am open to that and have peace with it.
So, I am thinking that I will blog about that journey. My journey of studying the topic of marriage more deeply and how that helps me to become ready to try again.
And we start with "Love and War."
One of the main messages in the early portion of the book emphasises how marriage is a depiction of Christ's relationship with the church. They talk about how much God LOVES marriage. They point out something which many Christians don't necessarily notice - that the Bible begins AND ends with marriage.
It really made me think about how, just like every other aspect of our lives as Christians, life is not about us! So it only makes sense that neither is marriage! It's about God. It's about representing God's love for us, Christ's love for the church. It's about glorifying God. That's the point I really took home: It's not about us.
Yet, that's what most people, even Christians, tend to think - that it's about us and our happiness. That's why, when our happiness within a marriage starts to fade, many are so quick to give up. I've heard a handful of Christians talk about marriage being a representation of Christ's relationship with the church, but I'm not sure of how many actually live that way. And I've never heard of that being on anyone's list of criteria for what they're looking for in a mate - "Is this person the one best suited to represent the kingdom of God with me?" How would our standards and our relationships drastically change, if this truly was how we measured them? How would we handle conflicts in our romantic relationships if we were consciously thinking about how we, as a couple, could best glorify God and represent His kingdom on a daily basis? How would we treat each other differently?
This truly puts an entirely new perspective on my standards for a future husband and my mindset for when I'm evaluating someone against them someday. Something tells me that if more couples operated like this, we'd see a declining rate of divorce in our country.
Until next time - stay tuned :)
That's the opening message of John and Stasi Eldredge's latest book, "Love and War." It is largely addressed to those who have been married before or for some time, and it is addressing their skepticism. Their weariness from having tried and reached the point of wanting to give up.
Being a product of divorce and a soon to be divorcee, I have experienced my fair share of skepticism over the institution of marriage - especially within the last year of going through my own divorce. Books like "Love and War" and "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage," by Elizabeth Gilbert (of "Eat Pray Love" fame) appeal to me, because I can relate.
I want to know why we should even attempt marriage if it's so hard and how we can make it work. I want to know why it's worth it. I want to know why I should want to try it again. I want something to make me want it again, because I don't want to remain so scarred and bitter against it. I am starting to slowly soften and warm up to it again. One of the reasons this matters to me is because I feel a conviction in my gut that God doesn't plan for me to remain single for the rest of my life, nor does He want me to WANT to be single for the rest of my life and remain bitter. I truly believe He has a plan for me to get married again (to the right guy) and make a family. So I want to get to the point where I am open to that and have peace with it.
So, I am thinking that I will blog about that journey. My journey of studying the topic of marriage more deeply and how that helps me to become ready to try again.
And we start with "Love and War."
One of the main messages in the early portion of the book emphasises how marriage is a depiction of Christ's relationship with the church. They talk about how much God LOVES marriage. They point out something which many Christians don't necessarily notice - that the Bible begins AND ends with marriage.
It really made me think about how, just like every other aspect of our lives as Christians, life is not about us! So it only makes sense that neither is marriage! It's about God. It's about representing God's love for us, Christ's love for the church. It's about glorifying God. That's the point I really took home: It's not about us.
Yet, that's what most people, even Christians, tend to think - that it's about us and our happiness. That's why, when our happiness within a marriage starts to fade, many are so quick to give up. I've heard a handful of Christians talk about marriage being a representation of Christ's relationship with the church, but I'm not sure of how many actually live that way. And I've never heard of that being on anyone's list of criteria for what they're looking for in a mate - "Is this person the one best suited to represent the kingdom of God with me?" How would our standards and our relationships drastically change, if this truly was how we measured them? How would we handle conflicts in our romantic relationships if we were consciously thinking about how we, as a couple, could best glorify God and represent His kingdom on a daily basis? How would we treat each other differently?
This truly puts an entirely new perspective on my standards for a future husband and my mindset for when I'm evaluating someone against them someday. Something tells me that if more couples operated like this, we'd see a declining rate of divorce in our country.
Until next time - stay tuned :)
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